Lost Souls

I HATE MY JOB
There. I said it. I am so unhappy. I am mentally exhausted and I am becoming so cynical. I hate hating like this. Every day I answer the phone to take orders from people who complain about the price as if I had any control over the market. Of course, I am the big, bad oil company who is out to take advantage of everyone. I hate using the phone now. I swear to god that the biggest assholes either call first thing in the morning, to get a head start on ruining my day, or they call in the last half hour so that it ruins my evening. I try to be as nice and courteous as possible, but it doesn't get me anywhere. My boss is so judgmental that it actually upsets me. It's like she's one of the high class elite. Heaven forbid she ever saw my tattoos. She would make my life far worse than it already is. She's also a scatterbrain. Picture the stereotypical blonde who's had 6 cups of coffee BEFORE work and then has 2 or 3 more during. No joke. 6 cups on average. I get sympathy from the other girls in the office because my desk is next to hers. I can't stand it. I'm looking for another job, but there's not a lot out there right now. I'm worried that it won't pay as much and our budget is already kind of tight. Yeah there's a lot that we can do without, but we won't want to. It's just wearing me down too much, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. We've barely begun our busy season.

Disappointed. I was doing really well with exercise and eating... until Starbucks brought back their pumpkin spice lattes (mmmm). The cold weather started to set in and comfort foods became more enticing. The scale made me so sad. I gained back 4 out of the 5 pounds that I had lost at the end of the summer. So here I go again. Getting back on the wagon and I'm going to force myself to exercise. I need to get out of the damn bed even when it's still dark outside and get on my bike trainer or at least do some pilates. The darker it is, the easier it is to stay curled up inside of my nice new down comforter. I need to keep thinking about the long term results. I want to hike up mountains with ease next spring and in the summer, I want to be confident in a bathing suit. I need to get into a routine and stick with it. I need to start cooking my own food more often. I felt so good when I was waking up early and going for a bike ride or a jog and now I just can't seem, to get motivated. I am so tired of feeling insecure. I want to have sexy arms that are strong and can pull me up rocks. I want to be able to do push ups and not ones where I start from my knees. I want to run and run and run....
I going to do it this time.

I hate feeling like I'm never good enough. A little while back, my boss talked to me about my wardrobe at work. First, I work in an office that's above the garage for an oil company. Second, I dress nicer than everyone else in the office. I know that my boss really likes me. Everyone I talk to has told me that, but I think that because she likes me, she has some higher expectations. Well it made me feel pretty awful to first hear how great I am, followed by but.... "you're just missing that one little thing. I wish you just looked a little more professional." I should have told her right then and there "you don't pay me enough to look more professional." The only way that I could get "more professional" is by wearing a suit, and I'm not even going to consider it. I don't think there's anything wrong with wearing nice business pants and a cardigan. I talked to one of my co-workers about it and she thought it was ridiculous. Anyhow, I've kind of gotten over it for the most part, but sometimes it still bothers me. Well this morning we were talking about the struggle to grow out our hair (her's is short too) and that every now and then we see a cute short haircut and consider cutting it again. I mentioned that it's been difficult resisting the urge to cut my "mullet" since it's a little longer in the back (but no where near a real mullet, trust me) her response was "well you should consider trimming it. It would probably look a lot nicer." I just responded by saying that I was hoping to make it through the awkward length without the scissors... I really love working with the Chamber, but this job just isn't for me. Since we've moved, I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere.
My parents also [finally] came to visit me this weekend. I took them to a nice dinner at the Portsmouth Brewery and then I showed them around town. I think they had a good night. Then Saturday, they met at my house (my little mobile home) and went to the Rochester Fair. Well my Dad apparently wasn't impressed because he couldn't keep his mouth shut and had to remind me that I have the opportunity to inherit my grandparents house. I again, reminded him that we're very happy and that living here is helping up to save a lot of money while we save for our dream home. We pay less in Barrington OWNING a mobile home than we paid RENTING a one bedroom apartment in Nashua. Apparently my dad has forgotten that when I was little, we rented an apartment and then lived in a trailer (not a mobile home, a camping trailer with no heat) for a summer while we made my grandmother's basement livable. Then we lived in my grandmother's basement to save up while the house was built. Just that one comment reminded me of why I left my parents business in the first place.
I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's standards. Why can't my family be happy that I'm happy?

soooo all the weight i had lost over the winter- i gained it all back and then some. i am officially the heaviest i have ever been. chris's unemployment really threw me off. of course instead of being stressed and depressed the whole time, i should have been getting exercise to relieve the stress (and the weight of course). well it's a new day and now that chris has a job again, we can start fresh. dwyer is giving our bikes a tune up today, so i'm going to start riding it more, even if it's just on the trainer in the mornings. i also want to start walking around the park and work my up to a run, then i want to start trail running. i felt sooo gross this weekend. most of my shorts don't fit anymore and i hate having to strategically decide which shirt to wear that will hide my muffin top the best... beacuse yes, there is a muffin top now. chris has also made a committment with this time, so i'll have a partner to exercise with. i hope to start climbing with amber again, and annie wants to go to the gym on the weekends. i really need to start eating more fresh fruit.
i hope chris gets a paycheck soon so that we can catch up on some bills and go grocery shopping. for now, it looks like leftovers again... at least they're healthy leftovers.

well chris and i sort of hit a rough patch. not in our relationship, just life. he was laid off from his job a few weeks ago. he worked for his aunt and uncles business and things just got too slow. they were hoping to hire him back within a few weeks, but it doesn't look likely. meanwhile we had just been keeping an eye out (not looking aggressively), but really hoping to hear back from them. we found out this week that he's not eligible to collect unemployment in NH, so we're going on week 4 with only my paycheck. sucks. apparently he doesn't qualify because he didn't work 2 consecutive quarters in NH in 2008. well what about 2009?? we decided we needed to give MA a shot then- he qualifies there (thank god!) but it will be about 3 weeks before he gets a check... well needless to say, money has been a little tight and he's been pretty bummed out. there's really nothing he could have done to prevent this, but he keeps appologizing "i'm sorry i'm a loser." i know that some of it is sarcasm, but he really feels bad about it.
anyhow, we've pretty much been homebodies and trying not to spend a penny if it's not absolutely needed...