Lost Souls

lost_insolitude @ 2009-10-22T13:03:00

2009-10-22T17:10:25Z

I HATE MY JOB
There. I said it. I am so unhappy. I am mentally exhausted and I am becoming so cynical. I hate hating like this. Every day I answer the phone to take orders from people who complain about the price as if I had any control over the market. Of course, I am the big, bad oil company who is out to take advantage of everyone. I hate using the phone now. I swear to god that the biggest assholes either call first thing in the morning, to get a head start on ruining my day, or they call in the last half hour so that it ruins my evening. I try to be as nice and courteous as possible, but it doesn't get me anywhere. My boss is so judgmental that it actually upsets me. It's like she's one of the high class elite. Heaven forbid she ever saw my tattoos. She would make my life far worse than it already is. She's also a scatterbrain. Picture the stereotypical blonde who's had 6 cups of coffee BEFORE work and then has 2 or 3 more during. No joke. 6 cups on average. I get sympathy from the other girls in the office because my desk is next to hers. I can't stand it. I'm looking for another job, but there's not a lot out there right now. I'm worried that it won't pay as much and our budget is already kind of tight. Yeah there's a lot that we can do without, but we won't want to. It's just wearing me down too much, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. We've barely begun our busy season.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-10-21T09:44:00

2009-10-21T13:52:32Z

Disappointed. I was doing really well with exercise and eating... until Starbucks brought back their pumpkin spice lattes (mmmm). The cold weather started to set in and comfort foods became more enticing. The scale made me so sad. I gained back 4 out of the 5 pounds that I had lost at the end of the summer. So here I go again. Getting back on the wagon and I'm going to force myself to exercise. I need to get out of the damn bed even when it's still dark outside and get on my bike trainer or at least do some pilates. The darker it is, the easier it is to stay curled up inside of my nice new down comforter. I need to keep thinking about the long term results. I want to hike up mountains with ease next spring and in the summer, I want to be confident in a bathing suit. I need to get into a routine and stick with it. I need to start cooking my own food more often. I felt so good when I was waking up early and going for a bike ride or a jog and now I just can't seem, to get motivated. I am so tired of feeling insecure. I want to have sexy arms that are strong and can pull me up rocks. I want to be able to do push ups and not ones where I start from my knees. I want to run and run and run....
I going to do it this time.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-09-21T11:07:00

2009-09-21T15:40:53Z

I hate feeling like I'm never good enough. A little while back, my boss talked to me about my wardrobe at work. First, I work in an office that's above the garage for an oil company. Second, I dress nicer than everyone else in the office. I know that my boss really likes me. Everyone I talk to has told me that, but I think that because she likes me, she has some higher expectations. Well it made me feel pretty awful to first hear how great I am, followed by but.... "you're just missing that one little thing. I wish you just looked a little more professional." I should have told her right then and there "you don't pay me enough to look more professional." The only way that I could get "more professional" is by wearing a suit, and I'm not even going to consider it. I don't think there's anything wrong with wearing nice business pants and a cardigan. I talked to one of my co-workers about it and she thought it was ridiculous. Anyhow, I've kind of gotten over it for the most part, but sometimes it still bothers me. Well this morning we were talking about the struggle to grow out our hair (her's is short too) and that every now and then we see a cute short haircut and consider cutting it again. I mentioned that it's been difficult resisting the urge to cut my "mullet" since it's a little longer in the back (but no where near a real mullet, trust me) her response was "well you should consider trimming it. It would probably look a lot nicer." I just responded by saying that I was hoping to make it through the awkward length without the scissors... I really love working with the Chamber, but this job just isn't for me. Since we've moved, I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere.
My parents also [finally] came to visit me this weekend. I took them to a nice dinner at the Portsmouth Brewery and then I showed them around town. I think they had a good night. Then Saturday, they met at my house (my little mobile home) and went to the Rochester Fair. Well my Dad apparently wasn't impressed because he couldn't keep his mouth shut and had to remind me that I have the opportunity to inherit my grandparents house. I again, reminded him that we're very happy and that living here is helping up to save a lot of money while we save for our dream home. We pay less in Barrington OWNING a mobile home than we paid RENTING a one bedroom apartment in Nashua. Apparently my dad has forgotten that when I was little, we rented an apartment and then lived in a trailer (not a mobile home, a camping trailer with no heat) for a summer while we made my grandmother's basement livable. Then we lived in my grandmother's basement to save up while the house was built. Just that one comment reminded me of why I left my parents business in the first place.
I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's standards. Why can't my family be happy that I'm happy?

ewww gross

2009-07-27T20:27:00Z

soooo all the weight i had lost over the winter- i gained it all back and then some. i am officially the heaviest i have ever been. chris's unemployment really threw me off. of course instead of being stressed and depressed the whole time, i should have been getting exercise to relieve the stress (and the weight of course). well it's a new day and now that chris has a job again, we can start fresh. dwyer is giving our bikes a tune up today, so i'm going to start riding it more, even if it's just on the trainer in the mornings. i also want to start walking around the park and work my up to a run, then i want to start trail running. i felt sooo gross this weekend. most of my shorts don't fit anymore and i hate having to strategically decide which shirt to wear that will hide my muffin top the best... beacuse yes, there is a muffin top now. chris has also made a committment with this time, so i'll have a partner to exercise with. i hope to start climbing with amber again, and annie wants to go to the gym on the weekends. i really need to start eating more fresh fruit.
i hope chris gets a paycheck soon so that we can catch up on some bills and go grocery shopping. for now, it looks like leftovers again... at least they're healthy leftovers.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-06-25T11:25:00

2009-06-25T15:28:23Z

well chris and i sort of hit a rough patch. not in our relationship, just life. he was laid off from his job a few weeks ago. he worked for his aunt and uncles business and things just got too slow. they were hoping to hire him back within a few weeks, but it doesn't look likely. meanwhile we had just been keeping an eye out (not looking aggressively), but really hoping to hear back from them. we found out this week that he's not eligible to collect unemployment in NH, so we're going on week 4 with only my paycheck. sucks. apparently he doesn't qualify because he didn't work 2 consecutive quarters in NH in 2008. well what about 2009?? we decided we needed to give MA a shot then- he qualifies there (thank god!) but it will be about 3 weeks before he gets a check... well needless to say, money has been a little tight and he's been pretty bummed out. there's really nothing he could have done to prevent this, but he keeps appologizing "i'm sorry i'm a loser." i know that some of it is sarcasm, but he really feels bad about it.
anyhow, we've pretty much been homebodies and trying not to spend a penny if it's not absolutely needed...

lost_insolitude @ 2009-06-02T16:00:00

2009-06-02T20:12:01Z

well i am officially (and finally) qualified for benefits at Buxton Oil. i spent most of the winter as a "seasonal" employee wondering if i would have a permanent position. then i had a 90 day waiting period after becoming a "full time" employee. i now have full health insurance through the company which saves me $280 a month which i no longer have to pay out of pocket for cobra in order to be covered. i also now get paid holidays and will start accruing sick time and vacation. woohoo! yay for adults saving money...
speaking of adults, sometimes i wish i hadn't grown up so fast. i wish i wasn't always thinking about the future. i wish i could just "go with it" but instead i have to think of my 5 year plan. i have to think about paying off credit cards and saving for a house that has a basement. when picking paint colors, i'm thinking about equity. and there's the always dreaded question that always seems to pop up- children? chris is dead set on having kids, but sometimes i think of how much responsibility i already have with a husband (which is pretty much like taking care of a child, except that he usually cleans up his own poop) and i think to myself that i really don't want any more responsibility. when i can afford it, i would rather spend my money on a vacation then on diapers. i always thought that someday i would have kids, but now that i actually have to consider if/when, i find myself asking if i really want them. it makes me feel terrible because if the answer turns out to be no, it will be a deal breaker in my marriage. i honestly never thought that i would be asking myself this question. i guess i just always expected that its the thing to do.
ugh and one thought leads to another and makes this post way longer than i ever expected it would be...

RIP vegetarian ideals 1994-2009

2009-05-28T19:42:52Z

well i had a good 15 year streak... i have started eating poultry. i've discovered that while tracking my foods, since we've moved i haven't been getting enough protein. the closest grocery store doesn't have a good fish department, nor do they have a very good selection of vegetarian alternatives. half of the time when i go, they're out of stock, and when they do have them, they're wicked expensive. the closest fish market (although it's fresh and really good seafood) is also really pricey. lately i only eat fish as a treat. i don't think i'll ever go back to eating red meat, but i've been thinking about chicken/poultry for awhile now. i feel a little guilty, but not too much. some people have called me a quitter, but i really don't agree with that term. i've made a conscious decision for my health, not because i've been craving a juicy piece of meat. i really want to start being healthier, and although i've been a little uneasy about it, i think it's a step in the right direction. there are a lot of benefits for me to be eating poultry and hopefully it will help me to start feeling better.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-05-20T14:51:00

2009-05-20T19:08:08Z

working at an oil company can get pretty slow when it's 80 degrees outside. thank goodness we sell pool water as well. we're kind of at an in between time, and since i'm going away for the weekend, i am so anxious for each day to end. friday morning i'll be leaving for bar harbor maine. it will be my first visit there since the wedding. i'm so excited. i can't wait to hike the beehive. jerry is also going to take me rock climbing at otter cliffs!

lost_insolitude @ 2009-05-13T16:12:00

2009-05-13T20:04:25Z

i love the smell of fresh cut grass and bbq's.
i would love to have a big house warming bbq this summer.

so how is everyone?

lost_insolitude @ 2009-04-23T16:18:00

2009-04-23T20:48:47Z

sometimes i look at chris and i still get the warm and fuzzies. it makes me smile to see him smile and sometimes when i think of him as my "husband" or that i'm his "wife" it actually gives me butterflies. i can only hope that he still feels the same way about me. i'm not doubting his love and i don't mean to sound so insecure, but sometimes i think that what i feel for him is so incredible that i don't know how anyone could possibly feel that way about me. and every day it gets stronger, and every day i grow more attracted to him. then all of the sudden it hits me- what would i do without him?? and i start feeling vulnerable and insecure, and then usually he does something really sweet and reminds me that i don't need to worry.
doesn't it make you sick?

lost_insolitude @ 2009-04-14T16:23:00

2009-04-14T20:32:20Z

wow i'm feeling pretty crappy right now. i took an order from some guy yesterday who i didn't realize had more than one property. i could have sworn that i confirmed the delivery information with him, but regardless i scheduled a delivery to the wrong place. not only that, but he doesn't even own the property anymore. the driver had already delivered over $800 worth of oil when the guy called and said that we delivered to the wrong house. needless to say, the boss isn't happy with me right now, and i don't blame her. i just hope to god that we can make some sort of payment arrangements with the people who live there now.... i was having a really awesome day until that happened. thats a really expensive mistake.

Sponsor me!

2009-04-09T13:53:15Z

Walk for MS!

On April 18th I will be joining in the Walk for MS in Nashua, NH with Chris's family. I think it's a really worth while cause because it hits close to home for us. My grandmother and Chris's aunt both have MS and Chris's cousin is also now being tested. Fortunately, they are some of the lucky ones.
Anyhow, I'm looking for donations. As of right now, our team is in first place, but last year another team came up from behind at the last minute. I would really like to do everything I can to make our team #1 this year. It's really important for me to do the best I can, and I feel that I would regret it, if I didn't at least ask some of you to contribute. I know that times are tough right now, so I don't want any of you to feel obligated, but even if you could afford to give $5 or $10, it would be really awesome of you.
If you would like to walk with me instead of donate, that would be just as awesome. The walk will be followed by a BBQ at the Simone residence in Hudson (Chris's aunt and uncle), and for anyone who made it to my bridal shower, you know that Joe is one heck of a good cook!
If you would like to donate, you can do so online for the next few days.
http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?px=6108649&pg=personal&fr_id=10664

Thanks so much!

lost_insolitude @ 2009-04-06T09:27:00

2009-04-06T13:27:03Z

well, i've lost a total of 4 pounds since i started my "weight loss program." i'm happy that i'm seeing some results, but i'm a little disappointed that i haven't been as disciplined about exercising. there were a few weeks where i couldn't work out because i had a bad case on bronchitis, so i'm just starting to get back into it. it feels like i'm starting all over though. thursday i went to the climbing gym with amber, yesterday i went for a nice walk with the dwyer's, tonight i'm going bowling with the chamber of commerce, and tomorrow i plan on getting back on the bike. i really need to work on my upper body strength so that i have more confidence at the climbing gym, and i can't wait to start hiking. i'm trying to get chris to commit to a camping trip for memorial day weekend, but he's been very unmotivated lately. it's been frustrating because i would really like to start working out with him, but he's never interested. hopefully he'll come to the climbing gym soon.
work has been going well. i'm officially an "ambassador to the chamber of commerce." it's a lot of networking and schmoozing. i need to buy some nicer clothes, but i have trouble spending money on things that i'm not crazy about. i have to buy things that i NEED rather than want... it is fun getting to meet a lot of new people though.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-03-17T10:28:00

2009-03-17T14:35:10Z

first, i joined livestrong.com. i can track my weight, bmi, calorie intake, calories burned through exercise, etc. it's a really supportive community. my goal is to lose 2 pounds a week from now until about memorial day. that's about 20 lbs. after the wedding, i gained some weight. my bmi has gone from the high side of "average" to the low side of "overweight." i don't wear jeans at work and i've been really disappointed by how tight they've become. i want to be in really good shape this spring so that i can do a lot of hiking and biking without feeling like i'm dying. i want to work out now that i don't feel like it's a work out when i do the things that i love.
second, i joined the MS walk in april in nashua. chris's aunt and my grandmother both have MS so it's pretty important to me. if you want to join to walk with me or donate to my team, let me know and i'll find the link for you.
third, chris brought me to NYC for my birthday last weekend. it was really fun and i want to make sure that chris and i put aside some special time for us to do things like that more frequently. especially during camping season. we need a new tent. a lightweight one that we can hike up a mountain with. i also want to take our canoe out for a weekend trip. as odd as it is, i want to have a really bad farmers tan that shows that i'm just outside all the time.
and i guess i have a fourth- i want to make our little yard a fun place to hang out. i want to grill all the time. we live so close to the ocean i think that it would be really awesome to have people over for the weekend, go to the beach and come back to our place to settle down by the grill with a beer and even spend the night. which means that we also have a lot of spring cleaning to do...

lost_insolitude @ 2009-03-09T15:19:00

2009-03-09T19:52:03Z

i feel good!
i started going to the climbing gym every thursday with amber. i'm trying to convince chris to start going with me on tuesdays, and on the off days i ride my bike on the trainer and do some pilates. i've been trying to eat better (although i wouldn't say "diet") and i've been considering eating chicken because i think i need more protein. i don't want my jeans to be tight anymore and i want to feel comfortable at the beach. it's not that i think i'm terribly overweight, and i don't really want to be "skinny." i just want to be fit and toned. i want to go camping in the white mountains this summer and leave early morning on my bike and just look at the sights. i want to be in the front of a long hike, pushing everyone else to keep up. i want to go out on the canoe and feel like i'm pulling my weight when i paddle. i just want to be good at the things that i enjoy doing.
saturday morning i woke up and rode my bike for almost an hour at a pretty intense gear. i felt good all day long. i just want to feel like that everyday.

in need of a makeover

2009-02-24T14:32:01Z

well things are actually going pretty well, so i don't know why i've been feeling so down lately. i can't really pinpoint it. i just feel like i need a makeover. i seriously need to start getting some exercise. i feel so lazy all of the time. i'm going to start going to the climbing gym at least once a week and i'm going to get my bike out of the shed and fix a spot to ride it on my trainer. i'm also going to discipline myself to wake up earlier to do some pilates. for me, it's not as important to look good as it is to feel good. when spring finally does come around, i don't want to feel sluggish going on our first few hikes of the season. i want to go to the beach and not be uncomfortable in a bathing suit. i want to show off the tattoo on my side cause i think it's pretty hot and no one even knows it's there! speaking of which, i would really love to add to it too... i want to cut my hair again. i want something really cute and really simple. i'm tired of blow drying and straightening...
anyhow, i love my car and my boss has asked me to stay on permanently so no worries about a job this summer! i'm really looking forward to the spring. i just need to get myself out of this rut...

lost_insolitude @ 2009-02-17T10:45:00

2009-02-17T16:02:22Z

well after shedding many tears over my car, i finally bought a new [used] car. it's a 2000 ford focus hacthback. it's cute and it's fun to drive. it has decent mileage already, but the price was right. we really didn't want to take out a big loan in todays economy especially since i still owe on my last car and i'm seasonal at my current job. i'm starting to get really worried that i won't be able to find another job if i get laid off. it's starting to get slow here and when the phones aren't ringing, i'm pretty much just twiddling my thumbs...

lost_insolitude @ 2009-01-27T15:11:00

2009-01-27T21:25:33Z

i need to make some resolutions. i've been feeling very blah lately. i can't really put a word to it, but i feel like i need to make some changes in my life. it's not that i'm not happy with myself, but i kind of am. i can't describe it really. i just feel like something needs to change.
resolutions:
1. i have already drastically cut down on my coffee consumption. my coffee addiction has been replaced with the new long leaf tea lattes from starbucks which leads me to...
2. cut down on starbucks. avoiding my morning detour there could save me up to $30 a week! i won't deprive myself of starbucks completely, but it will be a treat rather than routine.
3. eat healthier! i've been eating a lot of fast food at lunch now that i have a new job. i plan to eat better by bringing lunch to work and....
4. become a master of my kitchen. my mother was never very domestic, nor did she ever have the patience to teach me how to cook. so rather than fail miserably, i've avoided it all together. now i have my own house and i want to make my kitchen my creative area. i am going to try new things and be excited about it! i fully intend to buy to cute little apron that i wear while cooking every meal. and
5. get in shape. with all the rain last summer and planning a wedding, i didn't get out as often as i should have. i feel like we barely did any hiking, climbing, or cycling and i really want to do those things. it's not really as much about losing weight as it about feeling good.
good morning pilates, goodbye starbucks!

lost_insolitude @ 2009-01-20T20:49:00

2009-01-20T21:28:17Z

I feel like I need a change. I've been feeling really sick the last few days. I called out of work yesterday and then fell back to sleep until after noon. Then I did the same thing today. I think it just really need to poop.
I've been married for 3 months and I don't want to be that person who gets comfortable with things, falling into the same routine. I just feel restless. I need to get some exercise. I want to go out with people. What I really want is to have a really nice date night with my husband. I want to go into boston for a bruins game and have an expensive dinner then come home and snuggle all night long. I want to feel like he thinks that he's the luckiest man in the world.

lost_insolitude @ 2009-01-09T19:17:00

2009-01-10T00:39:30Z

my boss gave me free tickets to the bruins game last night. then she handed me an envelope with $50 and a note saying "enjoy the game. have a drink on me." 1- i love my job. 2- i love hockey. we were in the 8th row. in the first 10 minutes the bruins scored 2 goals and there was a pretty awesome fight. granted, i hate fighting, but when i'm watching a bunch of men with sticks and metal blades strapped to their feet, something inside of me says "punch him in the head." i love the sound of their helmets hitting the glass and the way the puck sounds when it hits the goalies pads.... something tells me to stand up, throw my fist in the air and scream as loud as i can "yeah hit him!"

thank you bruins

lost_insolitude @ 2008-12-09T10:27:00

2008-12-09T15:45:48Z

it's snowing and it is so damn pretty! i want to say that i love winter, but honestly i love the beginning of every season. chris and i have already decided that we will never live outside of new hampshire. we're finally starting to settle into our little place. we've redone the living room floor, painted the walls, put wallpaper in the bathroom, and we've removed the kitchen cabinets to paint them. i can't wait to redo the kitchen floor. we still have a lot of boxes to put away, but with the holidays so quickly approaching, there's just been so much going on. we finally made some copies of a wedding picture to put into christmas cards. let me know if you would like one. i'll hide the comments if you want to leave your address.

lost_insolitude @ 2008-11-28T07:40:00

2008-11-28T13:29:43Z

it's kind of hard for me to believe that it's already the holiday season. between planning a wedding and moving, the time has almost literally flown by. the past few months are pretty much a blur. maybe the upcoming holiday fairs will put me more in the mood, or maybe some snow. i wouldn't mind pulling out the snow shoes and getting some exercise.
even though i've only been in barrington for about 2 weeks, i really love this area. it's so quiet compared to nashua. i'm not woken up by techno music blaring from the first floor. we don't have to worry about the alcoholic passing out again while the stove is on, and waking up to the fire department breaking down the doors because someone across the street can see flames through the window. we don't have to worry about the husband of the woman he's sleeping with banging down the door in the middle of the night. the loudest vehicles are trucks with their large snow tires, not low rise hondas with super bass and reggaetone. and when i hear a gunshot, i know that it's a hunter in the woods shooting at an animal, not some thug shooting at some kid who criticized his pants at school. it's not like we live out in the woods, but at least there are woods around here. it's just a different atmosphere. our neighbors wave to us and actually speak english. I DON'T LOCK MY CAR AT NIGHT. i'm just not a city girl and this area is perfect for me.
the radio is playing christmas music and although i'm sure i'll be sick of it two weeks from now, it's kind of comforting. at least while everything else in my life is changing, i can look forward to the tradition of the holidays.
i was also really moved by this article i just read www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,458360,00.html

post-marriage depression

2008-11-05T20:42:56Z

despite marrying the most amazing person i've ever met, we've been fighting for the last few days pretty much non-stop. i realized last night that my anger was actually a combination of depression, guilt, and feeling inadequate. chris and i have been working on the house and slowly moving things in. while he's sleeping in barrington on a futon every night, i'm still in nashua working 3 days a week for my parents until we make the final transition. i've been really worried about finding a job and to my surprise, chris's new employer doesn't offer family health insurance. so although he has complete paid for coverage, he will have to pay for me completely out of pocket. now the coverage never justifies the price, but i need it "just in case, " especially being the woman because heaven forbid i got pregnant before we intended, we would go broke. anyhow, i became a giant ball of emotion and tears last night when i realized that all of my anger towards chris and his family was actually me feeling pretty inadequate thinking about everything that i'm leaving behind. i'm not just moving to a new place, i'm leaving my family and our business. my parents have never once even visited me in nashua, only 20 minutes from them. i don't expect them to ever visit or even want to hear about the mobile home that i'm giving up my dad's dream for an hour and a half away. yeah working for my family is sometimes a drag, but now that i'm leaving, i realize that i've come to love this place and the authority and respect i have. when this move is final, i will probably be making half of what i make now. not only that, but i have way more bills than chris has. student loans, credit cards, car loan... yet he's going to be paying for it all with HIS hard earned money. i feel like i'm going from the breadwinner to the freeloader. i never imagined that i wouldn't be contributing an equal amount to our finances and i feel pretty darn guilty about it. yesterday after voting, i went to the dmv and social security office to officially and legally change my last name. the woman at the dmv took my old license and explained that she had to destroy it because that person no longer exists and congratulated me. she said it with a smile as if i would be excited. i am excited- like i said, i just married the most amazing person i've ever met, but sara st.hilaire "no longer exists..." well that's just not true. it kind of gave me this weird feeling in my gut, and i realized that sara boucher is like a child. sara boucher has absolutely nothing to her name. sara boucher was just created on october 18th, and finally materialized on november 4th with the arrival of a stamped piece of fancy paper from the state of maine. anyhow, back to becoming a giant ball of emotion and tears- i stood there on the new laminate hardwood flooring with only a tv and a chair, and as chris was wiping away my tears, he asked me if i really thought that he didn't know all of this when he asked me to marry him. i guess that through all of my excitement and planning and i hadn't really thought about everything that i was giving up, and when it hit me, it hit me hard.
i am starting a new life with a new job, a new house, and a new identity....

it's official!

2008-10-22T16:58:48Z

well we pulled it off. we went to maine for the weekend and got hitched! i am now sara anne boucher. of course it will take some time until all of my documents reflect that (boy it's confusing). unfortunately, i don't have many pictures yet, but apparently my cousin posted it on youtube. if you'd like to see it, go here: www.youtube.com:80/watch

lost_insolitude @ 2008-10-02T13:48:00

2008-10-02T17:55:28Z

well i have to admit- every now and then i get that overly anxious/nauseous feeling. it's like an extreme case of the butterflies or like i really have to poop. it's not just the wedding that's got me stressed though. the 10th is my last day of work and i'm preparing everything for my replacement. i'm worried about finding another job, and i don't think that chris's parents are going to have their stuff moved out of the house in time for us to move in... it is pretty exciting though. the foliage is beautiful so far and when it's not raining, the weather is perfect.